Finding a mate, as a Pagan
The dating game is an exciting and yet very lonely place for anyone. Up is down, right is left, being a jerk gets attention and being kind gets ignored. But all this is even more true if you are a Pagan seeking a mate in the land of Christians. This is because with all the other land-mines in the dating field this adds one more: the belief that your religion will send you to Hell. Even more, should you have children with a Christian, they will come to believe you are also sending those children to Hell. So, as a Pagan, if you want to find a mate that will be more than just a date, there are a few things to consider.
The Unbeliever: When you marry a person of a different faith, or of no faith at all, thinking you will change them, what you find more often then not is that people don‘t change. They may spend a few months wearing a mask that says they don‘t mind that you are Pagan. They may claim to not be religious at all and so it is not important. But when it comes to family, both meeting theirs and making one with you, religion will become much more important. A Pagan mate is harder to find, but if family is what you want, it may be worth the wait.
The matter of age: For some, there is excitement and stamina in youth and security and wisdom in age. It is in fact very common throughout history for a man to be 20 years older than
his mate. Today, you may find those roles, as well as others, reversed. Still others set limits within just a few years, with the man in the older position most of the time. The
older person may one day become less able to do things that were once easy. And don’t forget the older person my pass on and leave you with a few years to go.
On the other hand, the younger person may be less experienced and committed. This may result in frustration and infidelity. Mostly it’s a matter of what age appeals to you and why. This is a tough one, so think very hard about what age difference you are willing to deal with as the years progress.
The divorced person: Is the fact a person has been divorced a clue they can’t stay married? Or was it a lesson for them to learn so they can be a better mate? Talking to the exes doesn’t answer this because they most often hate that person and will have nothing good to say. Talking to the family doesn’t answer this because they most often will side with the perspective mate and tell you how much they have grown. It is without a doubt a gamble to pair yourself with a person who has not pared well with others, and even more so if that person has children that will tie them to an ex. But then again, have you never made a mistake and prayed for another chance?
The angry person: When dating a person with anger issues, you should take a very close look. If they are showing such things in this dating stage, when most people are overly nice, just think how bad it could get after a year or two, when they no longer feel the need to be on their best behavior. Maybe meditation would be better for them then matrimony.
The narcissist: If a person spends more time at the gym and in the mirror than they should, changing profile pics often, posting lots of selfies without a shirt or posting the ‘Look at my boobs’ shot, they more likely love themselves more than they will ever love you. They are often very appealing to look at, but be sure there is something under the pretty packaging.
The liar: Marriage is built on trust. Without it, the entire enterprise quickly unravels. If they lied to you before marriage, they will lie to you after marriage. How important is honesty to you and just how much honesty can you take?
The addict: If you are dating someone who is an addict, you need to understand that they need help, not a mate. Until the bondage is broken, they can not be fair to you. If you really want to help them, then help them get help.
The idle person: If the person is a couch potato and can not find an interest beyond playing video games, smoking pot or just watching TV, let them go. Trust me on this, they are not grown yet. If this person is still living at home, they may even have a bigger problem with the ability to be an adult.
The overlord: Though women and men have equal value, they also have very different qualities that are not to be compared. Any person who tries to usurp the others authority or who dishonors them will not make a good mate. Look for a person who agrees with you in this very vital relational dynamic. It has been the place of the man to control the woman since the day of the god of Abraham. That idea has been reversed by the Neo-Pagan and the man has become nothing more than a figurehead while the woman has demanded the top shelf. But before this struggle of the sexes, men and women respected each other and worked together as true partners. This is very hard to find today, but if it’s important, keep looking.
The sexy dresser: If they look like they are trying to attract sex partners, they may well be. For some, the chase is far more important than that catch. Some people never settle down, even after their hand is tied to another. Maybe their body is all they have to offer. Is there going to be anything in that package they are flaunting once it‘s open? Look beyond what you see and see if there is anything to look at.
The loud mouth: Do they speak from experience and wisdom, or do they just like the sound of their own voice? Is there care and peace in what they say, or are they just a busy body trying to stir up trouble where they can?
Children, yes or no?: Do they want them, or do they hate them? You need to be on the same side of this issue. If one wants and the other doesn’t, you will not want to put yourself in this relationship. Possibly even more important is how they treat children, for if they should become part of your life, even if they are not planned, children will become more valuable to you than you can imagine.
The wanderer: There’s nothing wrong with a family vacation or a night out. But there may be a very big problem with a mate who can’t stay home or who always wants to leave the kids, or you behind. If they are always seeking excitement, new experiences, new places, new friends and new changes to everything, how long can it be before they are also seeking a new you? If a night with you on the couch is not appealing to them, maybe a life with you isn’t either. Beware the person who can’t commit to a plan. They may just be too short-sighted to commit to a relationship.
The career minded: There is nothing wrong with working to take care of a family, but if they put their career ahead of their family, then who are they really married to? If your children are being raised by daycare, then are they your children? A career is a very doable thing, as long as one can remember the reason for that career and keep priorities in order.
The devoted: Are they devoted to their gods? Will they be devoted to the family? If a person can not be devoted, they will find themselves with another ‘D’ word… divorced.
A person should practice what they preach. They should be able to tell you what they believe and more importantly, you should be able to see what they believe. If they are wearing a mask for you, that mask will crack and fade away. Will you want what is underneath?
There is no reason for the order of this list and in no way does it cover everything that can be a potential problem in finding a mate. But hopefully, it gives you a place to start.
If all this scares you just a little… it should. Deciding a person is the one for you should be the most terrifying thing you will ever do. For it is this step that will either build a wonderful life and family for you, or that will cause you pain for many years to come.
There is an old Pagan practice of living together for a year before making it official. If you do this, take care not to have children before this time is over and the official part is done. And after this year, if you find it necessary to hold off the official part, consider that you are not facing the possibility that the answer could be it doesn’t work.
It would be nice if there were some way to know if a mate is the right mate without doing all the hard work, but with a divorce rate as high as we see today, do you want to take that chance? Do the work. Take it slow. And once you are mated, keep working on it. Don’t take the easy way out at the first problem and don‘t expect marriage to be without sacrifice and compromise. Never stop talking to each other and never put anything between you.
Something to Think about,
from the priest of Seekers Temple
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